13 Lessons 2 Years of Motherhood Has Taught Me
Mother’s Day just passed and my little man is 2. How did we get here?
When I had Twumhene 2 years ago, I struggled with severe anxiety. My entire pregnancy was laden with anxiety and fear. When he arrived totally at random and unprovoked, even with all the attempts at preparing myself, I was still caught by surprise by all the emotions and thoughts that rushed inside of me like an avalanche.
I felt everything. Literally every emotion known to mankind. I felt fear, anger, desperation, depression, but I also felt sheer unadulterated joy and happiness. The kind that feels other worldly. In those first few weeks, every day felt like an out of body experience.
Now, two years in, I’m no longer the nervous wreck I was (at least not in the same way) and I can reflect on what what I’ve learned and who I’ve become as a result of this little person.
So here are the lessons I’ve learned so far from 2 years of motherhood :
It’s not all that bad
When I had Twum, I spent hours and hours just absolutely terrified of something going wrong. I was scared because I wasn’t sure I would know what to do in case something did go wrong. I wasn’t sure I could handle the really tough stuff. I was a mess. Over time, I’ve discovered that it’s not all that bad after all. I’ve also discovered my abilities, and it turns out that I’m capable of handling this motherhood thing a lot better than I once thought.
Community is everything
Listen, if you ever plan on having children, DON’T DO IT ALONE. Please don’t. Take the all the help you can find, and if you’re offered help take it. I understand not everyone has the ability to get help, and this really breaks my heart because I cannot imagine doing motherhood without my extensive community around me.
It’s nice to hear “mama”
I used to cringe at the possibility of being called ”mama”. The reason is, I felt like mama erased Nana. I felt like being called mama would mean I was diminishing and instead becoming a whole other person. But hearing Twum’s tiny nasal voice utter those two syllables melts my insides into Nutella. It’s a nice feeling; one that I’m relishing.
My spouse is not my enemy
Make no mistake. Tell yourself no lies: Having a child will test your relationship! The most important truth is remembering that your spouse it not the enemy. Your need to be right all the time may be the real problem. It’s easy to nit pick one another, and complain about how the other changes diapers or otherwise, but all this is useless. The important thing is to understand that you’re both on the same side. You may look at it differently, but in the end, you both want the best for your child and your family.
These little kickers are not as fragile as they seem
I remember when Twum was about 4- 5 months, my sister visited us and tickled him to his incredible delight. I was stunned at how much he was laughing- I had never even thought he could handle being tickled. As crazy as it sounds, I was so busy trying my hardest to keep him alive, I totally forgot to enjoy him. So convinced of his fragility that I kinda forgot to enjoy his presence and allow him to enjoy me as well.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
I don’t need to say too much about this. The other day, Twum went to school with one sock. He had removed this shoes in the car and flung his socks somewhere. Welp, I sent him to school any way with one sock short. Old me would have felt an immense amount of shame for sending my child with one sock, now I choose to not sweat the small stuff. We never found the sock btw.
Manage your expectations
I wish I could have endless energy, but the truth is I don’t. Knowing this, I don’t bother myself to get through a 15 point to do list each day. I take every day and do what I can.
Parenting is for the parent
All this time, I thought the role of a parent was to protect our children from the world. While that is true, I think the biggest work is protecting our children from ourselves. My girl Clarissa of thisafropolitanlife.com told me that “parenting is for the parent” and I felt that! Being a conscious parent is about gaining awareness of your own trauma and internal environment. Parenting has revealed to me all the ways I need growth.
I’m a better person because of motherhood
This ties in to my previous point about becoming more conscious. Parenting has not only helped me grow, but it’s given purpose to my growth. Now, managing my temper matters even more because of the little eyes watching me.
It’s not enough to just exist; you’ve gotta be intentional
This part. It’s easy to be checked out and go with the motions, but active parenting requires intention. This means your words matter, how you choose to express distaste, who you allow to come around your family all affect your children in a big way. For me, it means I choose my circle and what I spend time giving myself to even more as a mother.
Get comfortable with poop
This one! I used to be very squemish, but motherhood has taken that away. Just the other day, I cleaned Twum’s poop off the floor like a pro! Don’t ask how it got there, just know that potty training is underway.
I have a lot more understanding for other parents especially my own
It’s easy to blame and judge from the outside looking in. Parenting my children has open up my mind and ears tp understand other parents and their specific struggles. More specifically, I’ve found room for understanding my own parents. I now understand the sacrifices they made and the toll being a parent of so many children took on them. It’s clear to me now that folks do the best they can with what they’ve got, it’s unfortunate that other have so little to work with and that affects how they parent.
I have no interest or the energy or the desire to be labeled a “super mum/mom”
Yah, super mom/mum is not my goal here. My goal as a mother is to be present with my children, and accountable to myself when I make mistakes. I just want to do this with a smile, I have no intention nor desire of wearing overwhelm like a badge of honor. That style of motherhood is NOT for me.
Motherhood has its ups and downs. It remains the one thing that makes me fully vulnerable. All the 13 lessons I mentioned above represent a small subset of what I’ve learned so far. My goal is to do this motherhood thing as a student of the art of intentional living and be a conscious parent while I do it.
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